Enhanced Olympic Performance Enhancements

We are heading into Week 2 of the Summer Games, and just like after the presents have been opened on Christmas morning, there is a feeling of ennui that sets in. The swimming is now done, perhaps the biggest swimming performance we have ever seen. Is there any need to hold this event again? I recommend we just change the name of the event to Phelpsing. For example: “I’m going the get a new phelpsing suit for spring break,” or “You kids have to wait half an hour after eating before phelpsing!”, or "Mom, Jeremy's peeing int he phelpsing pool again!"

The ‘artistic’ gymnastics is over and all the tiny people return to Middle Earth, medals in hand, only to be replaced by rhythmic gymnastics. That’s like wanting to see Cirque de Soleil but instead getting the JV cheerleading squad from Alta Dina Middle School. I just can’t get into the ribbons, hoops and bowling pins being tossed around. I keep waiting for the little car full of clowns to show up.

I'm hoping to have more comments on questionalble uniforms but unless the sailors are competing in butt-less chaps, material might be slim. Even the 100 meter dash in track and field is over and there is nothing left to watch but all the reports on drug testing failures. So, in my continuing effort to make the games more interesting, here is Idea Three: Make Everything Synchronized.

Synchronization came to the Olympics in 1988 like a choreographed dance/fight scene from West Side Story. After Ben Johnson was stripped of his medal in Seoul, Canada’s Carolyn Waldo won the first legitimate gold for her country in synchro swimming, partially salvaging a nation's disgrace. Who'd have thought a once proud nation of hockey players, soldiers, explorers and lumberjacks would require the aid of a 20 something girl in a bathing cap and nose plug?

Since then synchronization has entered nearly every venue from diving to trampoline.
I say let’s keep it up. Who doesn’t want to watch synchronized boxing, team handball, badminton and pole vault?

If that doesn’t keep you on the edge of your seat, here’s Idea Four: Make Everything Equestrian.

If Animal Planet is one of the most popular cable networks, imagine how Olympic viewership will increase by requiring all athletes to be on horseback: equestrian baseball, rowing, taekwondo, cycling and beach volleyball. The possibilities are endless. Personally, I can’t wait for equestrian 10 meter platform diving. Just getting the horse to climb the ladder will be fascinating.