Camping Bimbos, Horny Teens and other Campground Terrorists

Before I had kids, I used to go camping all by myself. I’d drive to a remote series of lakes, throw in the canoe and paddle far away from civilization. Now that I have a kids, my opportunity to get too far away is limited not only by time but by my patience with them fighting in the back seat. I do enjoy the company of other people in most settings but when camping my preference is still to see no other human faces but their dirty little ones.

I took the kids camping this last weekend but only for one night. We had a great time (the weather was HOT) but we were too close to the city to eliminate the non-campers (yes, I’m a camping snob). I was left to shake my head that the same group of people surround me every year if I don’t go far enough away. Perhaps your recognize these archetypes:

The Rock Music Aficionado:
This guy delights in sharing his collection of Classic Rock music with the entire campground. If there are space limitations, he will sacrifice bringing necessities like camp stoves or first aid kits in place of his Boom Box. However, his preferred amplification method it to drive his 1992 Cutlass right to the campsite so we can all enjoy the six subwoofers filling his trunk Often attired in concert T-Shirts and toped by a flowing mullet, the Aficionado feels no guilt in blasting hits from the 70’s and 80’s since “IT’S AWESOME DUDE!!”

The Drinking Buddies:
Sometimes accompanying the Rock Music Aficionado, the Drinking Buddies have moved their Rec Room or Bar Binging activities to the Great Outdoors. They come well equipped with coolers full of beer but no real food to soak up all the alcohol in their stomachs and keep them from serious alcohol poisoning. The Drinking Buddies have plenty of opinions on wives, ex-wives, girlfriends, ex girlfriends and “bitches” in general. These opinions are shared loudly in between the throb of the music. Late at night, these opinions have decayed into only hoots and hollers.

The Camping Bimbos:
Frequently displaying an assortment of back tattoos acquired at local carnivals, these scantily clad early-20’s girls cruise the campground, usually in groups of 3 or 4. Camping Bimbos are often generous in their proportions, yet insist on squeezing into cut-offs and refrain from wearing T-shirts even as the evening cools down. Partial to wine coolers, the Camping Bimbos maintain at least an hourly circuit of all campsites letting everyone know what “Assholes” their boyfriends and ex-boyfriends are. It is not uncommon for a ‘wardrobe malfunction’ to result in a nipple peak or even a full fledged boob flop just as they pass a family heading to the public beach.

The Horny Teens:
In groups no fewer than three pairs, the Horny Teens have lied to their parents saying they are camping only with the friends of their same gender so they can get away and fuck all weekend. While often confined to their campsite, the bolder Horny Teens will relocate all manner of fornication to beaches, playgrounds, picnic areas or any other location where heavy petting would be considered bad manners. The rigors of their activities often prevent them from staying up late. Despite their comfort with public displays of affection, the Horny Teens are still self-conscious enough to keep their in-tent humping free from screaming, moaning or instructions about the speed or vigor to insert things.

Toy Man:
Toy Man can be identified by the number and horsepower of his vehicles. Not content to pitch a tent, lounge in a folding chair or float on a modest inflatable raft, this campground terrorist arrived with a motor home or fifth-wheel packed like a Price is Right Showcase. The surrounding campsites vibrate with the noise of his dirt bikes and ATV’s while the waters churn with ski boats and sea-do’s. The only thing that can slow Toy Man is the steady increase in gas prices

The Elderly Mini-Dog Nazis:
The Elderly Mini-Dog Nazis have been camping since they first met before The War (which war is never clear). They are competent campers but are oblivious to the fact that their three Terriers, Pekinese, Shitzus, Poodles (or any interbred combination of these four) haven’t stopped barking from the moment they entered the God Damn Campground! The Elderly Mini-Dog Nazis not only hate all the above archetypes, but everyone else in the camp and the dogs feed on the animosity turning them into tiny spinning, spitting balls of yapping fury.