Mutual of Omaha's Friday Demotivation

After the extremely questionable All Cleavage Friday Demotivation feature posted two weeks ago, we are running a much more wholesome edition this week. Believe me, most of the staff here at Dogs & Jeans have barely been able to sleep with the shame of all those barely concealed breasts. Although most of us are still struggling to recover, we are committed to providing you, the readers, with an all-animal version of this ever popular feature. This should be enough to assuage some of our guilt.

At least until next week when I'm sure there will be a few more asses and nipples thrown back in. Just like a good three beer buzz, guilt doesn't last for ever.

Sea Bass, Poker and iPhones: Random Thoughts

• Power walking is frustrating because if I go any faster I’m running and if I slow down then I’m not doing any work.
• Who would win in a fight between Mary Tyler Moore and Suzanne Pleschette in 1974? What about if they fought now?
• Girls should stop sticking out their lips like sea bass in pictures. You have lips; we get it.
• Potato salad is always good. but could usually use some more mayonnaise.

• I had a moustache in my 20’s and I loved it. I wanted to grow it back for years but was prevented by Powerful Forces. Now that the Powerful Forces have gone away I have grown it back. I hate it.

• Even if you had pizza for dinner last night, if pizza is suggested for tonight, you say yes.
• It’s odd there has never been a president named Smith or Jones, but two named Roosevelt.

• Whenever I want to watch sports on TV, all the sports channels have poker on. At the same time. It’s not a sport!

• No matter how many apps you put on your iPhone, it’s still just a telephone.

• If you need to smoke a cigarette so badly that you would drive with the car window open even in a torrential downpour, you might want to think about getting The Patch.

• Why don’t I write stuff down when I think of it? I forget so many significant insights.

Sexy Men Hit Hard by Recession

The recession has hit every segment of the economy hard, and People Magazine’s Sexiest Men Alive issue has not been spared either. Gone are the A-List Hollywood Hotties like Hugh Jackman, George Clooney and Brad Pitt. They have been replaced by a rag-tag collection of burnout’s, has-beens and the hygienically challenged. President Obama needs to get focused to economic stimulation so next year we can get back to the McDreamy’s and McSteamy’s and be spared from the following:

• Johhny Depp – Apparently being a middle aged, smelly pirate hippie with a fake accent is considered sexy. I guess I’ll stop bathing and wear more vests to attract the ladies.
• Jake Gyllenhaal – If the dictionary defined sexy as "awkward and off-putting", this entry to the list would make sense. While only marginally better looking than his sister Maggie, Jake shuffles across the screen in every role like an opium addict. Mr. Gyllenhall, I can quit you.
• Ryan Reynolds – Funny, handsome and Canadian. Okay, this one passes.
• Bradley Cooper – The break-out star from "The Hangover" is appealing, in a greasy, used car salesman sort of way. However, I can get the feeling he’s like one of your pals who tells you how he always tells a girl he put on the condom but only fumbled with the package briefly in the dark before putting it back in his pocket. And he didn't call her again either.
• Nick Cannon – If marrying an over-the-hill, overweight diva is sexy now, the he’s sexy. Next time any of you fellows are feeling less than sexy, just marry Kirstie Alley and see how that turns out.
• John Cho – If you needed a sign to the weakness in the economy look no further than the growing influence of Asia in Sexy Men lists. Handsome, erudite and talented, the star of “Flashforward”, “Star Trek” and “Harold and Kumar” is not out of place on such a list, but this may be the beginning of outsourcing all pointless vanity directories to China, South Korea and the Philippines.
• Robert Pattison – The release of “New Moon” make this announcement timely, and the screaming of millions of obsessed 14 year old girls (and their mothers) certainly validates the decision, but I remember when a man had to have been exposed to the sun at least once in his life to be considered attractive.
• Robert Downey Jr. – Sure he’s talented, but one "Ironman" movie can’t make up for a lifetime of drug abuse, alcoholism and general creepiness can it? At least wait until "Ironman 2" to decide.
• David Beckham – Becks is an old standby. Considered sexy even back in his teens, the soccer star has faithfully maintained his appeal to women no matter the length of his hair, the strangeness of his clothes, the high pitch of his voice or the obvious artificiality of his wife’s boobs. He can stay.
• Adam Lambert – Are you kidding me? This is how I know it’s all about weak finances. You needed a singer People Magazine? How about Tim McGraw, Akon, John Mayer, Keith Urban, or Michael Buble? Weren’t there any other "American Idol" singers you could have considered? Even Sting, now in his early 80’s, is sexier than Adam Lambert.

Update: Judging by the comments, all the readers have seen "Chocolat" and are in love with the character of Roux. So no matter how smelly and dirty (a la "Pirates") or weird and creepy (a la Willie Wonka), Johnny Depp is sexy. Case closed.

Who Loves Twilight? Brood if You Do.

"New Moon", the next installment of the Twilight series is in movie theatres this week, bringing relief to millions of adherents. Many fans of the books and films have been waiting in line-ups since last Thursday to be the first to see the much anticipated second film. But who are these people so obsessed with the teen vampire love story? Dogs & Jeans sent our Crack Popular Culture Mavens out into the field to see who these obsessive fans are. It turns out there are more than just teenage girls out there clamoring for tickets:

• People who have more that three cats, but only one bedroom.
  

Teenage boys who think they are going to score with teenage girls after they get all weepy watching the doomed lovers.

• Moms of teenage girls who started reading the books in order to bond with their daughters but are now even bigger fans than their girls.

• Dentists

• Ex girlfriends of the Hot Dads

• Teenage boys who think they are going to score with teenage girls after they get all reved up watching shirtless werewolves run around and fight.

• Outcast girls who identify with the characters as "being different" without realizing that the actors themselves are hugely successful and are in no way misfits or rebels.

• Adult men who think they are going to score with the moms who have gotten all reved up (and they probably will).
  
  
• High School Guidance Councilors who need to figure out what the hell the kids are talking about at school.
• Teenage boys who think they are going to score if the girl they really like, who told them they are just friends, can see him in a different way, like being sensitive and supportive.
• Pastry chefs (that one surprised me too)
  
  

Where are the Muppets Now?

Last week's post about Classic Sesame Street Characters produced some correspondence asking the whereabouts of some other Muppets we never see anymore. Dogs & Jeans Crack Research Squad got on the case and tracked down a handful for a new "Where Are They Now?" segment:





















The Amazing Mumford:
The magician with the kick-ass incantation, "A La Peanut Butter Sandwiches", was an unfortunately casualty of the last decade's nut allergy hysteria. Mumford was forced to take his prestidigitation onto a Philippines cruise ship line and was lost at sea after a successful pirate attack.






















Roosevelt Franklin:
A groovy, talented scat singer, Roosevelt had made the jump to rap music with some success, but his career was cut short when he caught in the crossfire between two rival rap gangs. While not shot himself, Roosevelt was trapped under the body of Biggy Smalls and has been unable to sing since.
















Prairie Dawn:
Prairie pursued her two passions, piano and tooth decay, at university earning a degree from Northwestern. She currently holds two positions as Musical Director and Dental Awareness with the Minneapolis School Board. She is married with two children: Willow and Reed.

















Lefty:
Lefty grew tired of trying to sell letters like "O" and "P" and made the move to the big time of Arms Dealing at the beginning of the first Gulf War. The Department of Homeland Security currently has a $500,000 bounty on him for selling rocket propelled grenade launchers to the Taliban.

















Bip Bappadotta:
After spending much of the 198o's addicted to a variety of narcotics and prescription pain killers, Bip managed to clean himself up and currently makes a comfortable living as a lounge singer in two casinos in Biloxi.

















Sherlock Hemlock:
Sherlock continued to fight crime until a chance encounter with Hillary Clinton in 1988 got him involved as campaign volunteer. Eventually Sherlock worked his way up through the organization to become Clinton's Southwest Chairman for her 2008 nomination bid. He is currently working on behalf of the Arkansas Democratic Governor Mike Beebe's re-election committee.


















Biff and Sully:
Biff and Sully left construction shortly after a job site accident left Biff unable to work and Sully was not able to claim any benefits as a same sex partner in New York. Both have become advocates for gay rights. For the past year, they have been fighting the recent Prop 8 vote in California.


















Harvey Kneeslapper:
A notorious practical joker, Harvey made the mistake of applying a letter "P" to a street person who pricked him with a hepatitis tainted needle. He passed away two years later.





















Guy Smiley:
After stepping away from the front of the camera in 1991, Guy Smiley has enjoyed enormous professional success in television production. He single handedly revolutionized broadcasting having co-created such hits as "The Bachelor", "Survivor", "Big Brother" and "Dancing With the Stars". Smiley lives in Los Angeles with his wife Loni Anderson.

Friday the 13th Demotivation

Welcome to the end of another week everyone. Here's a few Demotivational posters to celebrate the most superstitious of days. They thing they have in common is they are either examples of bad luck, or bad choices that can lead to bad luck.

See you all next week!

The Harvard Ironic Lecture Series

Disgraced former New York Governor Eliot Spitzer is scheduled to give an address at Harvard University’s Ethics Center. Just in case the Universe is ever running low on irony, Dogs & Jeans suggests a few other notable people who should give lectures:

• Kanye West: “Humility, or How I learned to just sit in the audience and enjoy the show without interrupting.”


• Sarah Palin: “Knowing Your Limits”


• Lindsey Lohan: “The Importance of Sobriety”


• Manny Ramirez and Alex Rodriguez: “Competing Clean – How We Did It”


• Rosie O’Donnell: “5 Rules for Meeting Men”


• Jon & Kate: “Putting the Kids First – Divorce the Healthy Way”


• Donald Trump: “All Women Are Beautiful on The Inside”


• Richard and Mayumi Heene: “Kids and Balloons – The Peanut Butter and Jelly of Childhood Fun”
• Brett Favre: "Saying Goodbye"